The Screwed-Up Life of Charlie the Second by Drew Ferguson

Author:Drew Ferguson
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Kensington
Published: 2008-08-26T04:00:00+00:00

Monday, September 17

School was pretty bad today. I figured it would be. You can’t fag out at homecoming and expect nothing to happen.

It’s got me thinking that I probably need to rework my college essay.

I’m the prince of public scorn. Sure, it may sound like a cushy title, but it carries with it a certain noblesse oblige, “nobility obligates,” which in ancient civ we learned means that, every so often, those of us who’ve got it all—charm, wit, dashing good looks, country estates—should throw a bone to the inbred, dirt-under-the-fingernails crowd of little people.

There was this morning’s de-pantsing in the Pit, which drew a larger crowd than the changing of the guard (please, no flash photography). That was followed by an audience with the ranking dignitaries—the math class jagoffs gleeking spit on the back of my neck and the Rot-See Nazis demonstrating the latest ass-whipping techniques. Then I had the investitures, where I presented pieces of my underwear—post-grundy—to the honor’s list.

Of course, I had my public engagements, too, such as the installation of a new toilet in the boy’s locker room. A bunch of the jocks decided I just had to be there for its christening by swirly. The day ended with a report from one of the government whips (imagine, they actually prefer to be called “deans”—how quaint) delivering messages of state. Look, Charles, we’re not saying it’s your fault, but if you toned it down you’d be less of a target.

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